Outsider

"She eats her pizza with a fork because she is from Mexico."   I remember the words- the figurative gut punch that accompanied those words as they were spat in my direction in second grade.  It was the first time I really remember feeling like I was an outsider who didn't belong.  I was eating my pizza with a fork and knife because I didn't want to get my fingers dirty, but once that kid said it, people repeated it. It became who the new girl was - a foreigner, someone who didn't belong.

Second graders aren't well versed in geography.  We laughed about the mistake when I got home and told my family that they thought  I was from Mexico.   We had moved from New Mexico to Pennsylvania - another state, not another country.  BUT as is often the case with children, it didn't matter that I wasn't from Mexico - the thing that mattered was that I didn't belong. I am sure it didn't help that I only stayed with those kids for five years before I skipped a grade and became "that girl who skipped a grade."  What should have been an accomplishment to be proud of was just another reinforcement of the message I already believed - I didn't belong.

And today at the age of 43, I can give it a name. I can stack pieces of evidence against it.  I can actively fight against the echoes of whispers in my mind and thoughts that I will never belong. But there is a part of me that still believes it - I am different and not part of the group. It still kicks me in the gut, sometimes.

So I fight against it with inclusion.  I am a shameless includer.  If you are a person who intersects my life, I welcome you to join in my journey.  I have been able to love so many people because of this.  Sometimes we match. Sometimes we don't.   Sometimes we journey for a long time. Sometimes we journey for a moment.  Sometimes I get criticized for who I include. Sometimes I get praised.  For me - I'm just creating the world I wish to live in.  

Come and journey a while with me.  Let's share our world with each other. Perhaps it can create a new story of friendship. 💛