Belonging, Not Just Fitting In
Today an idea was presented to me that has not left me. As I listened to Brene Brown's book, Daring Greatly, she discussed belonging vs. fitting in. In her research, she has asked individuals to define the difference between these two terms. Brown reports that there is an overall consensus that belonging is being in a place that accepts you because of who you are and fitting in means making yourself be like you perceive you need to be to be accepted by a group. She then talks about the family and asks if we make our children feel like they belong in our families or if they need to fit into our families.
This idea of belonging was also discussed in a parenting class, Positive Parenting Solution, that I enrolled in this summer. The teacher, Amy McCready, also emphasizes that children need to have a sense of belonging in a family.
When I heard the idea this summer, I had to assess if my children feel like they belong in our family. At that time I didn't have a firm enough grasp on how to define belonging to be able to assess it or to ask my children about it. Brown's work solidified the definition of belonging and also helped me articulate something that I have longed for in years past. I have said before that I have often felt like I don't quite belong, but in fact what I was feeling was that I didn't fit in.
I rarely change myself to fit in. I come presenting my real self. Who I am is who I like to be, and I try to come fully. It is always a prayer of mine that people will accept this version of me because I find it tedious to be someone I am not. I am thankful when I am accepted.
Unfortunately, I have not always allowed my children to come, fully themselves, fully accepted. I remember the time I wrote about how I often say "I love you, but will you please...." I often label them with names that will weigh them down for years to come if something doesn't change. BUT now I have a new lens and new terms to help me remember what I want for my children. I want them to belong, not fit into our family. When the world is unkind, which it always will be at some point, I want them to know that they belong. They belong to our family. They belong in our home.
I don't want to forget this lesson. It is an important one. Belonging vs. Fitting In...Belonging is the thing that makes my heart sing and helps support me in being brave and true. Fitting in is work and leaves me feeling hollow and unloved. I CAN remember this. I PRAY I will remember it - that I will offer myself and find places of belonging and I will offer a place of belonging to others.
Sarah
This idea of belonging was also discussed in a parenting class, Positive Parenting Solution, that I enrolled in this summer. The teacher, Amy McCready, also emphasizes that children need to have a sense of belonging in a family.
When I heard the idea this summer, I had to assess if my children feel like they belong in our family. At that time I didn't have a firm enough grasp on how to define belonging to be able to assess it or to ask my children about it. Brown's work solidified the definition of belonging and also helped me articulate something that I have longed for in years past. I have said before that I have often felt like I don't quite belong, but in fact what I was feeling was that I didn't fit in.
I rarely change myself to fit in. I come presenting my real self. Who I am is who I like to be, and I try to come fully. It is always a prayer of mine that people will accept this version of me because I find it tedious to be someone I am not. I am thankful when I am accepted.
Unfortunately, I have not always allowed my children to come, fully themselves, fully accepted. I remember the time I wrote about how I often say "I love you, but will you please...." I often label them with names that will weigh them down for years to come if something doesn't change. BUT now I have a new lens and new terms to help me remember what I want for my children. I want them to belong, not fit into our family. When the world is unkind, which it always will be at some point, I want them to know that they belong. They belong to our family. They belong in our home.
I don't want to forget this lesson. It is an important one. Belonging vs. Fitting In...Belonging is the thing that makes my heart sing and helps support me in being brave and true. Fitting in is work and leaves me feeling hollow and unloved. I CAN remember this. I PRAY I will remember it - that I will offer myself and find places of belonging and I will offer a place of belonging to others.
Sarah
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